Without You
by Min Daae
Summary: The Sight based. After Larka dies, Kar despairs and frequently wanders alone. But when he meets a strange she wolf, his life begins to change in inexplicable ways, and he sees a possibility of loving again.
1. Nadya

_A/N: I do not own the Sight. But hey, do I wish I did. Love to David Clement Davies for giving me his wonderful characters to work with! _

Kar was alone when he found her.

He was often alone – though he had a pack, he had become more and more of a loner in the years following Larka's death – oh, it still hurt to think her name, but he did anyway, letting it ring as a reminder of all he had failed to do. _Larka, Larka, Larka… _He forced himself to suffer the pain, the pain and ecstasy mingled in remembering the brief joy they had had – and the endless sorrow he had to live with.

He hadn't seen Fell for a long time, but Fell kept to himself – that, Kar could understand. He thought he knew that Fell felt that no one in their pack could ever forget what he had been before Larka had redeemed him – if one could ever be redeemed. Maybe souls once damned were damned forever, but Kar had hope that Fell might find peace. Because if Fell, Larka's brother, found peace, maybe Larka could as well, wherever she was now. Kar shivered as the bite of winter touched his bones and fought the urge to go back to the den and curl up with his packmates. Tonight, he felt, was a night for being alone. Huttser and Palla had passed on, as had Slavka, and now it was only he and the new pups that remained, and only he that truly remembered Larka.

He exhaled, a long and regretful breath. Sometimes it seemed that his whole life had been regret, but this was stronger, a regret that overtook everything. A regret that he and Larka could not have shared longer together. Kar's tail drooped between his legs, just thinking, even briefly, of her. All he had of her now was her sister, as she would have been, a white wolf also named Larka. She was no longer a pup, and her brother, Khaz, was now the Dragga of the pack. Soon, the new litter of pups would have their first hunt. Kar was not certain that he would be with them much longer. Perhaps on one of these wanderings he would not return to the pack, just keep walking on into the world to seek something, something other than this empty life that he lived now.

Lost in thought, he was startled when he heard a soft sound of a paw on the leaves behind him. He turned and found himself looking at another wolf, one he didn't recognize. She was smaller than he, being female, long legged and with a rare black coat, almost as dark as Fell's but flecked with gray. He felt his lips pull back in a snarl and his tail raise aggressively. He had not passed beyond the pack boundary. This wolf was trespassing on their territory, and she had been following him – for how long? He wondered – without announcing her presence. Immediately, she lowered herself to the ground, eyes lowered and lips pulled back in a submissive grin, a show of submission. He relaxed slightly – but only slightly. She did seem to be a loner, and therefore not much of a danger to the pack – but then, Morgra had been a loner when she came to them, and she had been more dangerous than anything the pack had faced before.

"Who are you?" he growled.

"My name is Nadya. I am only a loner. Please – forgive me for coming to your pack land. I saw you, and I seek a home. Do you have a pack, or are you a loner also?"

"I have a pack," said Kar warily. "But I do not know that they will take kindly to any loner trespassing on their pack lands."

"Please," said Nadya. "I must try."

"Fine," said Kar, feeling just a bit petulant and annoyed with the she wolf, who kept giving him considering looks. "Follow me."

He loped off, half hoping that he would lose her in speed, but she kept up easily, and soon they reached the waterfall that marked the pack's home. Soon the small stream would be frozen over, and snow would cover the wood. Winter was coming.

Kar sniffed around the den and found that the pack had been gone for only a short while. Probably, Khaz had taken the pups to a clearing so they could play for a time. They would be back soon. He settled back on his haunches to wait, not looking at the loner, Nadya – though he could feel her looking at him.

"Why were you wandering alone?" she asked. "If you have a pack, shouldn't you be with them?"

Kar looked at her briefly before looking back at the trees, scanning their trunks for any sign of wolves. "Sometimes, one needs to walk by oneself."

"Yes, but it seems odd. Is it not the way of wolves to desire company?"

"You were alone," Kar pointed out, though he knew it was not the same, and he was avoiding the question.

"I had no choice," said Nadya. "If I had a pack, I would want to spend time with them. Why don't you?"

"I don't think that you really need to know why I do or don't do anything," scowled Kar, frustrated, and willing Khaz to come back soon so that cursed female would stop staring at him.

"I'm just curious," said Nadya softly, sounding a little hurt.

Kar looked at her for a long moment and sighed, rising out of annoyance and sinking into gloom. "Sometimes, all I want for company is sorrow and my memories, and that isn't something a pack can give me."

Nadya didn't speak again until Khaz came padding out of the trees with the rest of the pack close behind. He didn't have a Drappa, yet. He eyed Nadya and looked at Kar. He gave a wolf grin as he padded over to him, looking cheered. "Kar, you're back!" he said happily. "And you've brought a loner? Where did you find her?"

"She was on the territory, shadowing me," said Kar sourly.

Nadya's tail was lowered and her eyes downcast respectfully. Khaz looked her up and down appreciatively, but Nadya still didn't look up. Khaz grinned at her, too. "I expect you'll want a place in the pack…?" he said. "Well, you're accepted. New hunters are welcome, and you seem to be a fine hunter. You look well fed for being on your own."

Nadya offered Kar a smile as she licked Khaz on the chin to show his dominance. "Thank you," she said softly before following him to the rest of the pack, where she was greeted warmly. Kar looked after her sourly and wondered whether Khaz would have his Drappa soon, the way he kept glancing at the she wolf. For some reason, that thought made him feel worse, but after a moment he trotted over to join the pack.


	2. Dreams

_A/N: All right, I know I said I was on hiatus with this, but I got inspired. I hope you enjoy this chapter, as it may be rather short, being somewhat of a transition chapter. So, returning to Kar and Nadya. Please review! …I love you if you review? And gives you cookies…?_

_Atrocious grammar aside, on with the story._

Kar resolved from the start to avoid this strange and disturbing new arrival. But as the days passed, he found himself very hard pressed to do so. She seemed to be everywhere – looking over his shoulder, padding beside him when they hunted, watching him as he told the pups stories. Her eyes were blue, he realized very soon, as ice blue as the ocean or the sky, as though she were blind or still a pup. But he could tell from the intensity of her gaze that she was not blind, and the smoldering in her eyes as she watched him made it clear that she was no pup, and she was interested in him.

Once, maybe, he would have been interested in her, but that was before Larka. Before that beautiful white wolf had torn a hole in his heart and left his soul to fly loose and tattered on the wind. Before he had known what the pain of accepting another into your life was, and the sound of a broken heart. Everything was Before, now. She was pretty, but Khaz had his eye on her – that much, at least, was clear. He never looked at Kar when the she wolf sat close to him, her eyes half closed in a lazily seductive manner, but he could feel the leader's hostile gaze as if it were teeth tearing at his throat. He would always meekly excuse himself on those occasions, and flee into the woods to be alone, away from Khaz's burning eyes. And yet, when he watched the Dragga stand with his shoulder almost touching hers, his entire stance projecting intimacy, Kar would feel an angry burning in his heart that made him want to sink his teeth into Khaz's flesh.

Whenever he found that angry creature clawing at his heart, crying for Khaz's blood, he would pad into the woods alone, chanting a litany to himself. _Larka is my only love. Larka was my only love. Larka will be my only love. Until I die I will desire no other mate but her. Larka, Larka, Larka. _Each repetition of her name was a stabbing in his heart, and he would cry bitterly, whining for his long-dead mother and father, and his brother, Cal. But he would return to the pack with new resolve to defeat the she wolf, to resist her advances. She belonged to Khaz. She would be his Drappa, and she would forget him.

Oddly, that made him feel angry and sick all over again.

Yet stubbornly he resisted the temptation to show interest in the she-wolf's advances. He would not. He would be faithful. He would be loyal to Larka.

_Why be loyal to a dead wolf? Why be loyal to a love that is dust? _Dust, dust, dust. The word echoed like a drum in his ears, sorrowful and bitter. Kar fought the voice, struggling to recite his litany.

_Larka is my only love. Larka was my only –_

_A love that is dust. She cannot see you._

_No! Larka will be my – mine –_

_Nadya is beautiful. You could take her away, far away, she would be your Drappa. You could start a new pack_

_Larka. I cannot forget Larka, must not desert Larka. Larka will be my only love. Until I die I will desire no mate but her. Larka, Larka, Lar –_

_Nadya, Nadya, Nadya. Why be loyal to a dead wolf? Why be loyal to a love that is dust?_

_Dust. Dust. No! Larka is my only – my only – only…_

_Larka is dead. Larka would want you to move on._

_-love – my love – my only – Nadya! No…No, Larka, Larka was my only – love. Love. I love her._

_She would want you to move on._

"Until I die," Kar insisted. "I will desire no wolf but her. But Larka. Larka is my only love. Forever." He was struggling to convince himself, the trees, the air, anyone, but no one was convinced. Not even himself.

His sleep that night was fitful. Fragments of speech drifted in and out of his dreams; fragments of memories. Larka fell, became Nadya, was dead. He cried out, but then he turned and Larka stood there, but she became Nadya, then became Khaz, snarling, his eyes wild. "She is mine," he cried, and leapt for Kar's throat. With a cry he stumbled backwards and slipped into the ravine, but then he looked up and saw Fell outlined against the moon, howling. He looked at Kar, and he could see clearly the sliver of bright green in his eye. "Wolfbane," he whispered. "Are we ever free of the past?" And Fell – or Wolfbane, perhaps – threw back his head and laughed.


End file.
